But Sensei, What Can I Do? 

As I write this, eight nine women have been found murdered in Ekurhuleni since July, and there may be more by the time this is posted. There is, of course, outrage and fear, and an undercurrent of despair. My male friends have messaged me to ask how this can be (because in their minds, who could do this?), but also for advice: what can I do? 

The antidote to despair is always action, and to quote Margret Mead: “never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

Having read books like Moral Ambition, (the most important book I’ve ever read) I truly believe that we are all far more powerful vectors for change than we give ourselves credit for. And if you have above average opportunity to influence, then it’s your place, destiny and privilege to do that. If you are a Sensei, you have a unique opportunity to make a difference. All that matters is that you try.  

So for the men who want to take the burden off women (because god knows we’ve been talking, begging, protesting, fighting and dying over this for hundreds of years), here is a list of tangible things you can do to help end the cycle of violence against women and children. Remember that once upon a time, selling enslaved humans in the town square was perfectly normal, defended by the Church, and legalized by the government. Nothing is inevitable or immortal. 

Vote, Dammit, Vote

South Africa is going to the polls on November 4th. Making our cities safer begins with cleaner, better-lit streets, visible policing and bad folks going to jail. When Daily Maverick mapped out the locations of the bodies of the murdered women, all of the dump zones were in grim, overgrown, barely-lit areas. The article states “women die in the dark”, and I fully agree.

The former deputy chief of Ekurhuleni Police Force is facing multiple charges, the police force at large is in shambles, and rapists go unpunished. Of course murderers are going to be emboldened. When it seems like no one is held accountable or gets arrested, then who is going to bother catching career murderers and rapists? If the city can’t even cut the grass and keep the lights on, then it signals open season to predators.

So vote for someone new to take over – this is free, at most you’ll stand in a queue for like two hours, and it adds up. Wards are won or lost by only dozens of votes, and people tell you that your vote doesn’t count because they do not want you to show up. If your vote didn’t count, people wouldn’t have to convince you otherwise. (And in South Africa, with our voting history, it still remains such a beautiful and pivotal right.)

Every vote counts, because we have proportional representation: even if your candidate doesn’t win outright, their party will still get seats on the council. If you have a credible woman candidate to vote for, even better. (And if you didn’t register, then consider this my notice of disappointment in you. Dishonour on your house, car and cow.) 

Hold Other Men’s Feet to the Fire

That shitty deep-fried meme about how marriage is the worst, and women are a nag? The borderline rape joke? Comments like “bitches be crazy”? Every time you let those slide, a creep gets bolder and bolder.

It’s called the Overton Window: attitudes shift over time, so that something that was once completely acceptable (say, executing people in the town square while children watched for nearly 700 years) becomes unacceptable. But that window often shifts, and right now, when it comes to women, that window has shifted to a dark, hateful place. Here’s a list of the statistics and causes, if you want to be depressed within two paragraphs.  You only have to spend 10 minutes in any comment section on a video about a famous woman to see it. These rapes and murders happen in part because the value of women has been completely degraded. If women aren’t human beings with hope and feelings, but instead receptacles for disgust, semen and humiliation, then why bother protecting them?

Men sit on bro-podcasts moaning about how girls don’t smile at them, or always date “Chads”, but roughly 137 women and girls are killed daily by someone in their own home or family (amounting to around 50,000 victims a year globally) – they have no understanding of how power differentials really work. They think that they’re entitled to a woman like a prize in a video game, and that they are suffering because of the so-called male loneliness epidemic. But I can’t remember the last time I saw a man having to send his live location to his family because he was going on a Tinder date and was worried about getting raped or murdered. 

It’s clear these men don’t listen to us. But they listen to each other, like when we bring up an idea, and then a man repeats it and he gets the praise and credit. When you say to your friends on the group “that attitude sucks, man”, or when you call out your little brother for using horrific language on his Call of Duty stream, you help stem the tide.

When you don’t give your approval, they realise that their bad ideas have no place to thrive. Sometimes it is genuine ignorance, or frustration, but it is never acceptable to demand that women should just “shut up and put up”. 

Educate Yourself 

We are so, so very tired of explaining. Just as allies of BIPOC people must do our own research and stop expecting to be spoonfed history and pointers, men must take the time to understand what it is we’ve been asking for, and why, and how to change things. Why we need the right to choose whether to carry a pregnancy or not – no woman wants to carry a rapist’s baby. Why we don’t automatically want to take our husband’s surname (we’re not legal minors anymore). Taking the time to understand intersectionality will take you even further.

Check out these books here. Read voraciously. Watch TED talks by feminists. Watch comedy specials by women, because they’ll explain far better than I could, and in under an hour. (Start with Ali Wong, Wanda Sykes, Iliza Shlesinger, Atsuko Okatsuka and Hannah Gadsby). 

They’re Looking Up at You, Kid

Sensei Chris and Sensei Sergio are two of the best male instructors I know, and they are always trying their best to be allies in our fight. Whether it’s promoting my Fight Like A Girl Gashuku, or elevating the female students in their dojo, they are already leading the charge. They were the ones that inspired me to write this. So, this goes with what we discussed on Whatsapp.

It is so, so important that men who teach now are better than the men that taught them. When you speak highly of women, take every opportunity to showcase female instructors, treat your girl students as you would your boy students, expecting highly of them because they are capable, you are making the precious long-term change we need. The old male senseis…well, there’s not much we can do for some of them. Some of them are trying, and bless them for that, but some of them are dinosaurs and need to leave martial arts. I’ve given up on trying to influence adults, but I do know that kids and teens look up to me, and absorb everything. I’ve heard my weirdest phrases parroted back to me, perfectly. They do listen, and if they like you, then they’ll absorb those words too. 

When the time came to get people to use safety belts in the States, they educated the kids. The kids would learn about safety, and in turn, nag their parents to put safety belts on. (It’s called pester power, but mostly companies use it with kids advertising to drive sales. Hooray, capitalism.) 

We teach kids not to smoke, because the adults (generally) don’t want to change. I’ve given up on trying to influence/educate/reason with grown-ass, taxpaying adults. To most adults, I’m just another crazy feminist with very strong opinions about everything. (Yes, I will always put my hand up. I will argue with you because it gives me bottomless energy, and to quote my Yaya, we’ll see who gets tired first. I have so many hills that I’ll die on.) I have thick skin, the jet fuel that is ADHD, and dozens and dozens of kids who do think I’m cool, and smart, and who want to be better. So, I use my energy where I can for maximum effect. 

Besides, arguing with wilfully ignorant people is like playing chess with a pigeon. You can’t win, and they’ll shit on the board. But you can definitely, definitely, set a wonderful example for the boys and teens in your dojo. 

When they see Sensei treat his wife with respect and adoration, this is the model they will want to take forward. Ché will come into the dojo to see if I want a decaf coffee, or ask what he can make for dinner. The boys see a man who provides, who takes care of the children so his wife can teach karate, and who takes great pride in cooking for his family. He never speaks ill of me, or cracks jokes at my expense to score one with the boys. What the students see is truly positive masculinity: in his loyalty, compassion, love, kindness, respect and strength. And if their own fathers aren’t around (which, statistically, they aren’t) then at least they will have this powerful example to follow. 

This doesn’t apply just to instructors, of course. But we do have an outsized influence, for better or worse, and that comes with a responsibility to be better. 

It’s Okay To Be A Knight in Shining Armour, Sometimes 

Feminism means many things, but it doesn’t automatically mean we don’t want any help from any man ever again. It means, to me at least, freedom to make my own choices. It means that I can choose the man I marry, and whether I want to drop my surname or keep it. It doesn’t mean that I can’t/shouldn’t have a husband. I love being married, and everyone should have that option to marry the person they love and is right for them. So no, I don’t believe that all men must die – when it comes to this issue, they’re the solution to fixing it (what some men broke, the others must fix, because while it might not be your fault, it is your responsibility.)

With this horrific wave of violence, we actually do need the men to do the heavy lifting here. We’ve always been vigilant, since we were little girls. We have a thousand ways we try to keep safe, and yet we still keep getting brutalized. We don’t know any other way, and this is all around the world. When Adidas did a survey of 9,000 athletes, 92% of the women said they felt unsafe running, and South Africa was not on that list. (For interest’s sake, the countries were Japan, China, US, UK, Mexico, UAE, France, Germany and South Korea, and respondents were aged 16-34. Japan! I felt so safe there!). 

When you see a woman being harassed, do something. Offer to join the women you know when they run/walk, because a good man is always the best deterrent for a bad man (alongside a really big dog). Report anything that is bringing harm, instead of making excuses, or covering up for others. Rally your brothers to support marches. Protest. Demand change on political levels. Be as annoying as possible for your elected officials. Sign every petition. Be vocal. Be like those men who walk women to the taxi ranks in the mornings. We can ask your help without being beholden to you. And I promise you, the big bad feminists are not going to snap at you for interfering. Yes, someone will be a hooting asshole about it, but you can’t let that stop you. We don’t let the murder of other women stop us from doing our thing. Please don’t let the worst of us stop you from doing the right thing.

Activism, and change, is hard. So damned hard. But to quote Rutger Bregman: “In any case, don’t let yourself be fuelled by a sense of guilt, or shame, but rather by enthusiasm and a lust for life. Be ambitious, not perfect. There comes a point when you’re fine just the way you are.”

At heart, I am an optimist. Not a myopic one of course, but cynicism is cheap and corrosive. In my own lifetime I have seen so much change, and I believe more can and will be done. I wouldn’t have had kids if I didn’t think the world could be saved or improved. 

Our fragile rights were hard-won, and they need defending. But things are changing – more men are speaking up, more of them are getting angry on our behalf. I hope that by giving you at least some ideas, you can be the change. Cheesy, but true. We’re counting on you; so are all the boys who look up to you. 

So, no pressure.